Hot off the Presses
Winter is Fast Approaching, 5 Ways to Keep Your Restaurants Safe & Warm this Season
The title chickened out on saying it directly, and kind of just grazed it. Winter is…fast approaching? Is there maaaaaybe another way to phrase that? Hm? I get that there are plenty of people in the world who have not seen Game of Thrones, but really. You’ve probably seen it. So has our site administrator I’m guessing, but still, here we are: “fast approaching.” The venerable actor Sean Bean would have you know that one does not simply refer to winter being on the way. Or, to put it another way, if you really think that winter is about to happen, then you know nothing Jern Schner.
Now back to your regularly scheduled broadcast already in progress, “The Late Show with Cut Plex:”
(theme music fanfare ends)…“ and now, this week’s Top Five ways to keep your restaurants safe & warm this season:
Number five: Lock the doors at night and keep the heat on high….Oh wow Herb that’s a real humdinger. Is that really what the cue card says? Is that all the home office could come up with in the writer’s room? (Herb) Yep, that’s what it says Cut - shazam! (Herb runs his elbow across the keyboard in a cascade of notes) (Cut lets out a sigh, taps his pencil a lot of times on his desk, laughs sarcastically with a slight wheeze) A-hee-hee-hee! (Herb chimes in with an incredibly awkward and robotic sounding laugh) Aheh-heh-aheh…
Number four: Institute a ‘don’t be sick’ policy, and make every customer do jumping jacks between courses…You like jumping jacks Herb? (Camera 1 pans to Herb. Herb stares directly into camera 1. Another round of awkward robot laughing ensues) Aha-aha-aha, jumping jacks, aha-aha-ahaaaa.
Number three: Hire a ‘designated bodyguard’ for each guest table and burn a bunch of KFC-scented fire logs…You seen those Herb? Eh, the KFC fire logs? The logs, they smell like chicken. Chicken-logs. A-hee-hee! Get this, right -The guy, the guy sits down at a seafood joint right? A-hee-hee! He says, ‘what is that smell? It smells delicious!’ And the waiter goes: ‘sir it’s the chicken log’ and the guy says: ‘great I’ll have one of those’ A-HEE-HEE-HEE! (Cut taps his pencil rapidly on his desk, on the oversized decorative microphone, throws it over his shoulder) Chicken log!
Number two: Require two-factor authorization for all menu item orders, and install heated floors…you know, my car has those heated seat-thingies. You know those thingies? The heat seats? Seats that heat up? Car seats, but with heaters in ‘em. They make that for floors now. Like hibachi grill for your feet Herb- you ever go out for Hibachi? You like Hibachi Herb? (Herb) Yeah, Hibachi, nice. (Cut) You know the guy, he’s got the fancy knife and the fancy spatula thingie and he flips the strip steak right into your mouth at the table? (Herb) Yeah, Hibachi, aheh-heh. (Cut) Uh, you know what they need to make at the Hibachi Herb? Chicken logs. When I was a kid, and I know, we’re talking the Industrial Revolution here, we had Ants on a Log. Remember that? With the peanut butter, and the raisins? What happened to Ants on a Log Herb? (Camera 2 cuts to Herb. He shrugs. Cut mutters under his breath) chicken logs AND the Number one way to keep your restaurants safe and warm this season is: (drumroll) …CutPlex framed safety barriers! Hey! That’s my name! Cut Plex! They named a company after me? Do I get some sort of payout for that? And what’s with this safety barrier business, was this whole bit just an advertisement for a company that is using my likeness? And they’re called Me safety barriers? What is that? When did I endorse that? Who is this company? (Cut’s producer says something into his earpiece, Cut places his left index and middle fingers to his ear). What’s that? What? We’re in the company right now? We ARE the company? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN MIKE, WE ARE THE COMPANY? What? This…is a blog post? …But it’s my TV show, how is my TV show a blog post?! No, YOU calm down Mike! Mike, no, Mike, how is-no-how-how-YOU KNOW WHAT MIKE I’VE BEEN WAITING 35 YEARS TO GIVE YOU A PIECE OF MY MIND AN---(Cut’s mic is muted. Camera 1 pans to Herb, nervously fiddling with his synthesizer knobs). A-heh. Chicken blog.”
(Cut to commercial)
(CutPlex theme song plays, sounding eerily similar to the Lite Brite commercial from the 80’s)
♬ “CutPlex, CutPlex, we keep you healthy and safe no matter what comes next-“♬
(a voice narrates over the instrumental theme)
“Free-Standing partitions and desktop or hanging sneeze-guards provide barriers between people to reduce the risk of spreading COVID-19 via airborne droplets, especially when people need to perform transactions in close proximity.
Introducing CrystalFlex soft acrylic partitions! Durable and easily assembled freestanding partitions are ideal for restaurants, stores, offices, schools, caters, hotels & more. Only by CutPlex. CutPlex: we are the company.”
(CutPlex theme song concludes)♬ “CutPlex, CutPlex, put a partition at your table or desk!“♬